What Happened to Confident Wonder Woman?

My entire life I have felt like I am playing catch up, never feeling fully confident. I was never quite as confident, cool, organized, beautiful, well dressed or popular as the girl next to me. The hope that someday I would arrive kept me going. Finally I would have it all together and be perfect in every area.

What a surprise to hit 40 years old and still feel not as confident, cool, organized, beautiful, well dressed or popular as the mom next to me. My age may have changed, but inside I’m still the nervous 3rd grader trying to look cool in my Gap jeans.

Confident third grade photo
Trying so hard to fit in

Last night I went to a party at a neighbors home, and was beating myself up as soon as I walked in the door. Her house was so clean, her decor so perfect, family photos magazine quality, and the color scheme so up to date and pinterest worthy. Even the interior of her pantry was organized and perfectly labeled with cute chalk stickers! My spiral of shame was in full force.

When I got home I scowled at my house, judging it and consequently myself as unworthy. Once again the same story played in my mind.

My Cycle of Shame

  1. Shaming:  I will never know how to decorate. No matter how hard I try or how much money I throw at it, my home will always look like I decorated from the thrift store.
  2. Blaming:  I grew up with no money so I never learned to decorate. Totally my parents fault.
  3. Judging:  Well, if I was so shallow that all I did all day was clean and shop my house could look like a magazine too.
  4. Criticizing: I might as well just give up. I will never be as confident or good as (fill in the blank).
  5. Buffering: I feel awful. I’m sure a brutalizing workout, or a pound of chocolate (or maybe both) will do the trick. Nah. Too much work. Just give me Netflix. And the chocolate.

What a crazy way to live. Why do I feel like there is the huge measuring stick that I just can’t seem to measure up to? And who is even holding the measuring stick?

What Happened to Confident Wonder Woman? 

For my birthday my parents sent me the most unique gift for a 40 year old woman. So unique I thought it may have been a mistake and had to call them to check. It was a Wonder Woman Doll. Awesome!

Wonder Woman Action Figure
What Happened to Wonder Woman?

When I was about 10 years old I loved Wonder Woman. She was powerful, strong, conquered evil, and looked fabulous doing it. My favorite thing to do was dress up in my leotard, pull my wide plastic headband down over my forehead and strap on my construction paper arm bands. Then with my lasso of truth nylon yellow camping rope, I would run all over the neighborhood commanding all to be honest and do right. I was unstoppable and felt amazing.

What happened to that little girl? The one who was ready to take the world by storm? Somewhere along the way she lost her voice, lost her way, and started to follow the path others laid out for her. She didn’t want to rock the boat, needed to keep the peace, and had to put everyone else first.

And. She. Got. Lost.

Finding My Path

I have followed paths I never intended, some that have been beautiful beyond anything I imagined, and others that have been heartbreaking and changed me forever. In my bedroom I have this small wooden plaque.

Make your own path quote

I think I am finally ready to take my own path, step into my confidence, and put down the measuring stick to find out who I really am. I think the first step is recognizing that I am more than a mother. More than a wife. More than just one more van at carpool.

Included with the Wonder Woman doll was a note from my parents.

Note from Parents-confident

Maybe Wonder Woman is still in there after all.

 



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